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His fiancé gave him a dirty look, piercing him with the brown eyes he used to find attractive.
Anna believed. She had been one of the first to get a message from the Great Beyond. Although she hadn’t become a believer right then. She had thought she was losing her mind.
Eugene learned about Anna’s message weeks later when other people started getting messages.
One day, last May, they had been watching TV.
Eugene had laughed at the fools talking about their messages from the dead. Anna gave him a look of wrath; then told him she was one of them. He thought she was joking at first. Then he wished she was joking. Then they had a huge fight, because she "didn't like his tone."
Was it really condescending to say,"I believe that you believe it, Sweetheart. But that doesn't mean it's reality"?
"No, I don't think you're crazy. I just think maybe you're tired, and maybe you misinterpreted what you saw."
He finally relented and said, "Maybe it's true. I don't have proof that it's not. So if you believe it, that's fine. We'll say it's true. We'll leave it at that."
But no. That wasn’t enough for Anna. She wanted him to believe as fervently as she did. She could be an annoying bitch at times.
He still loved her, though.
If only she wasn't so damn pig-headed.
Well, it was all a moot point anyway. He now believed as much as she did. It had been hard not too once the OS's (OtherSiders) and EB's (EarthBounders) started using Skype and FaceTime.
One day, he had been sitting there typing out a review of a new Filipino restaurant. He got a Skype call and was suddenly face to face with a ten-year-old. Not just any ten-year-old. Sebastian King. The kid on his street who had fallen off a balcony while doing not-allowed gymnastics.
Sebastian had been a brat. But when he died, he was spoken of as if a perfect angel. Such is the way of mourners.
On their first computer chat, Sebastian had said,"Hi, Eugene. Long time no see. Hey, your girl is right. You're wrong. Get over it. Apologize.”
Then he disappeared.
Eugene had just sat there staring at the screen. Then Sebastian returned. "Hey. One more thing. It's fine to pick your nose. But it's not okay to not wash the booger off your hands before making dinner."
Sebastian disappeared before Eugene could defend himself. That was okay, though, because he hadn’t really been sure how to defend himself.
Eugene thought he should be happy that there was no end. Death wasn't the end! Life goes on! The heart does go on! Celine Dion was right all along!
But Eugene hadn't been happy after his visit with Sebastian. He was annoyed that his fiancé had won this battle. He'd have to admit he was wrong. He’d likely have to grovel. No, wrong. He'd definitely have to grovel. And every time he was in doubt of something, Anna would remind him of all of this.
On top of that, now he would have to be paranoid. Did Sebastian watch him all the time? Were there other ghosts with him? Did he have any privacy? Was he ever really alone?
***
On his way to Shake Shack, Eugene passed a woman with a table set up, selling her wares. Herbal crap.
Keep the Dead away! Restore your privacy!
The stuff didn’t work. Eugene knew that for a fact. Desperate, he had tried it out last week. He hadn’t told Anna. Though she was quick to believe in the afterlife, she was skeptical when it came to any type of alternative medicine.
He made tea with the stuff which was a bit of a mess. He didn’t usually drink tea; and the few times he had, he used tea bags.
He had gone online for loose tea instructions.
It might have been easier with a strainer. Although some websites said they were unnecessary.
The drink actually tasted fairly decent. He had expected to react like a character in a movie after drinking a hangover cure—spitting it out dramatically.
But no. The tea had a nice taste— kind of like red bean with a hint of chocolate.
There had been little chunks of herb that got stuck between his teeth. That was a bit annoying.
What was much more annoying? Sebastian re-appeared while Eugene was writing an article about city pigeons and whether they too had an after-life.
"They do," Sebastian had said.
Eugene glared at him.
"And those herbs don't work. Sorry."
Eugene refused to give up hope so easily. Maybe it took time. He had drunk the tea only an hour ago.
But no. He learned through the week and seven more cups of tea. It really didn't work.
He was stuck with the annoying ten-year-old. The one who wore an Iron Man t-shirt. Robert Downey Jr's Iron Man.
Once Eugene had asked him about that. "Shouldn't you be wearing clothes from the 80’s?"
"I died in 1990," Sebastian replied, looking hurt and annoyed that Eugene didn't remember that.
"Yes. Whatever. But it's not like 80’s fashion immediately changed once 1990 arrived."
"I can wear what I want," Sebastian said; then with a look of disgust: "You're in no position to give fashion advice."
Eugene woke up from the memory of the annoying conversation to see a teenager buying the herbal remedy. He knew he should mind his own business. Yet he couldn’t. "It doesn't work," he said.
"It works for me," she replied. Defensive. She reminded him of Anna.
"Fine," he said. It was no use fighting with her about it.
The woman selling the herbs jumped in. "It works for most people. I have people coming here all the time to thank me."
Yeah. Whatever. "Okay," he said.
"Do you still feel haunted?"
"I AM haunted."
She nodded with a theatrical level of concern. "I see."
He took a step in the direction of Madison Square Park. Bye bye Tea. Hello Black and White Shake.
And a Shackburger. Of course.
Maybe fries as well.
The Herb-Lady loudly sighed.
"What?" he said.
"It's probably a very powerful spirit."
"And…." He waited.
"You might need something a little stronger than the usual tea."
He decided to be polite and skip the eye-rolling. He really wasn’t in the mood for this. And he had a feeling Sebastian was with him at the moment. Watching. He'd probably tease him later about the whole thing, so it was best to make it a short scene. Give Sebastian less material to work with.
"I'll think about it," Eugene said;. then he continued on with his journey to Shake Shack.
***
Eugene should have been writing but instead he lay on the couch watching Ugly Betty on Netflix. He had gas and lying in this position made him feel better. Mainly because it made him fart, and he needed that right now.
He let out a really loud one and figured he'd be hearing about it from Sebastian in the near future.
Eugene tried to put his mind back on the show. He wondered how Clare Meade would have reacted to a deceased Bradford Meade talking to her on FaceTime. And how would things have changed for Betty if she could chat with her dead mom?
Would TV shows start including deceased characters? What about The Walking Dead? Where were the souls of the zombies? Were they off in OS land while their bodies roamed the earth? Or did you have to lose your zombie life before gaining entry into the afterlife?
Eugene heard noises from the bedroom. They upstaged the performance coming out of his ass.
Laughing.
Two voices.
Anna and someone he didn’t recognize.
Eugene hoped it was someone alive.
He paused Betty, Amanda, and Mark.
He listened
A woman’s voice.
He didn’t recognize it.
Maybe it was a cousin. A living one.
Maybe an old college friend?
"Eugene, you have to come in here!" Anna called out. I want you to meet someone.
"I'm busy," he called back. He hated being rude like this. Especially since Sebastian was sure to criticize him about it later.
"Eugene, come here"!
He stretched, sat up; then stood up.
As he stood, he farted again. Loudly. He hoped it was the last. He wasn’t interested in farting in front of Anna’s friend. Dead or alive. He wasn’t even really comfortable farting in front of Anna yet. Maybe that level of familiarity came after the wedding?
He walked in the room and peered at the screen. A beautiful woman with black hair stared back at him. She looked like an actress—the kind who'd be on some type of cult TV show; the kind who'd sign photographs at a ComicCon.
"Hi! You must be Eugene!" She was bubbly and flirtatious. Intimidating. Maybe condescending. She made him feel twelve-years-old.
"This is Melinda," Anna said. Then the two women giggled.
Great.
Eugene's ass wanted to join in the party. He squirmed, trying to keep it quiet.
Melinda winked at him. What did that mean?
Could she tell he was trying to hold in his fart?
And he still didn’t know. Was she dead or alive? How did you ask that politely?
"So…uh…how do you guys know each other?"
"She dated my brother in college." Oh. Okay. She was alive. This was all totally normal.
Two old friends reminiscing.
"But I was a mess back then," Melinda said; then laughed.
"She was a total mess," Anna giggled.
What was with this giggling? He had never seen Anna act so childish before. It was like she had suddenly regressed.
Melinda looked serious for a second. Then she batted her long eyelashes. "I was majorly depressed."
"Sorry," he said.
She and Anna burst into more giggling.
"This is fantastic," Anna said. "I love the new you."
"I love the new me too!" Melinda glowed with her self-love." She jumped up and down and clapped. "You should join me! It's awesome here."
Here? Where was here?
Anna laughed. "I totally should. But not today." More giggling. I'm such a klutz when I cross the street, though. It could be any day now."
Melinda laughed. Then stopped. "Oh, Eugene. Don't worry. We're just joking. Relax."
He farted; a quiet one, fortunately. Did they hear it?
"Ha," he said. Melinda was an OS. Right? Did he get that right? It gave him the creeps that his wife was having so much fun with one of them. Like this ghost was a normal, everyday living person.
He didn’t like himself for feeling this way. Why did he have to be such a tight ass? He should be more open-minded. Was he being any different than a racist or homophobe?
"Eugene," Melinda said. "I want Anna to visit my brother. He lives on Staten Island. They haven't seen each other in years."
"Fine," Eugene said.
"You're okay with it even though they used to be madly in love?"
Eugene wasn’t sure how to reply to that.
"You're awesome," Melinda said. "Very cool."
"Well, he doesn't know you're trying to get us back together."
"You guys were so wonderful together!" Melinda said. "I think he's still totally in love with you."
How was he supposed to react to all of this? Cool? Jealous? Very jealous? Should he yell? Make threats? Beg? Shrug his shoulders and give Anna his blessing?
Was he jealous?
Maybe.
He wasn’t sure.
He did know that he was annoyed and uncomfortable (gas-wise) And he was also tired of the giggling.
***
Eugene lay in bed. Alone.
Anna was still talking to her dead friend. She had been kind enough to take her laptop into the living room area, so he could have the bedroom.
Eugene had always thought that lovers were supposed to go to bed together. Sex. Yes. There was that. But also just togetherness.
Anna almost always stayed up later than him. On rare nights that he stayed up later than usual, she went to bed even later than (her) usual. It was like she was allergic to going to bed with someone at the same time.
Or maybe it wasn’t every someone.
Maybe it was just him specifically.
***
He slept and had a weird dream. Maybe a fun one.
But then he woke up and couldn’t remember what it was.
Anne came into the room.
Eugene sat up and looked at the clock. 1:30. She had to get up at 6:30 for work.
"You need more sleep," he said.
"Yeah," she said.. After a pause she added. "I'll be alright."
"Sleep’s important," he said. "I wrote an article about it once."
"Yes, you've told me." She climbed into bed. "I'll catch up on sleep tomorrow. It's not a big deal."
"Okay," He shouldn't get into a big discussion about it. Then she'd lose even more sleep. He closed his eyes and waited to get back to sleep.
"Hey," she whispered.
"Yeah?"
"After work, I'm going to meet with Kevin."
Who the hell was Kevin? Was he supposed to know that name?
"Melinda's brother," she answered without him even vocalizing the question.
"Oh." Was he okay with this? He didn’t think he was especially jealous. Maybe just annoyed. It was bad enough that she spent all evening talking to a dead girl. Now she had to hang out with the brother?
"You're fine with that? Right?"
"Fine."
"Good. Because I hate controlling, jealous men."
Now she was being an unreasonable bitch. He was suddenly less interested in sleeping and more interested in fighting. "So you'd be okay with me going out with an ex-girlfriend?"
"Totally," Anna said without hesitation.
"Really?"
"Why wouldn't I be? I trust you."
He laughed. He wasn’t sure why. Maybe he had caught Anna's giggling bug from before.
"Go out with an ex. It's fine. I won't mind."
He had two significant exes. One was lost somewhere in the world, and he had no contact with her. The other was his Facebook friend and annoyed Eugene with overly frequent updates about her pet rat. Plus, she lived in Utah.
Would Eugene have to invest in a plane ticket out west just to prove Anna was wrong about her lack of jealousy?
And he, himself, wasn’t even really jealous. He didn’t feel threatened. He just felt that Anna was being rude…bitchy. Disrespectful.
Fiancés weren’t supposed to announce they’re going out with an ex and then declare jealousy’s not allowed.
He decided to take the route of pretending to be asleep. He hoped she'd play along. She did for about five minutes. Then she broke the silence. "You don't have to worry, Eugene." She spoke in a gossipy whisper.
"Why's that?" he asked.
Again, the gossipy whisper. "He's gotten fat. Really fat."
How would she know that?
Again, she answered an unvocalized question. "He's my Facebook friend. I've seen photos." She laughed.
Eugene knew she wanted him to feel relieved and laugh along with her. But it made him angry. Why did she have to be such a bitch about this? "So the guy’s gained some weight. It happens sometimes."
"Sure," she said. "I'm not judging him."
"You laughed at him."
"No…."
"You did."
"Whatever. Forget I said anything. I'm just saying you don't have to worry about me dumping him for you."
"Because he's fat?"
"I didn't say that."
"What if I get fat? Are you going to leave me?"
"No," she said. "But it wouldn't hurt to watch what you eat a little bit."
“Thanks for the advice,” he said. Deadpan. Then he switched to exaggerated gratitude. “You’re so kind and helpful. My Darling.”
"I'm going to sleep," she said. "As you say. It's important for my health.
"Fine," he said.. And he actually felt guilty for keeping her up. Even though it was really her fault for bringing up the whole jealousy subject. Plus, why did she have to go to bed so late in the first place?
***
He tried to go back to sleep but couldn’t
He realized he had to pee.
He got up to do that; the light stinging his eyes.
Afterward, he considered keeping the toilet seat up. Anna hated when men did that, probably as much as she hated jealous and controlling men. It would be a good act of defiance.
He left the seat up.
He washed and dried his hands. He started to turn the knob.
Then he stopped and put the toilet seat down.
He opened the door and found Anna standing there. Their relationship was on the rocks, but at least their bladders were in sync.
He let her have the bathroom and went back to bed. He thought of something and decided to bring it up when she came back. Even if it kept them up even longer.
"How’s Melinda going to feel about you laughing at her brother?" he asked
"What? How would she know?"
"She could be watching. She could be here right now."
"No, she's not. She's an OS."
How dumb was she?
"Yes, she's an OS. She's a ghost. She can watch everything you do."
"Like your Sebastian?" He hated how she said “your Sebastian”. He didn’t want Sebastian to be his.
"Yes," he said after a moment.
"Sebastian’s not an OS. He's an EB. Earth Bound. They're the ones who hang out here and spy on us.
“Melinda’s on the Other Side. She's not with us. She can only see us or communicate with us via a computer. If I close the laptop, she can't get through”.
Why hadn't he known this? Eugene felt stupid.
It turned out Anna agreed with Eugene's self-assessment. "How could you not know that? I thought that's what you did all day. Research."
"Whatever," he said in his pouty voice. He hated when that voice slipped out.
“Be that way," Anna said. "I'm used to it."
Eugene decided whoever advised people not to go to bed angry lived in la- la land.
Plus. Really. What did it matter anymore if one of them should die?
Continue to Chapter Two
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